Tripping with Jesus' Son

Jack, the Son of the Son of God, knew where to get the best drugs.

I honestly hadn't expected to ever see him again, but he spotted me when I was walking along the lakeshore one day.

"John! Hey, John!" he shouted, jogging over. "How's it going, dude?"

"It's Jack," I replied.

"Yeah, you remembered!" he said. "From the party! Wanna hang out?"

Apparently this guy had taken a liking to me. I wasn't complaining. He was hot (though unfortunately straight) and he had really good weed that he shared generously.

He also claimed that Jesus was his dad, the earth was flat and that you could get to heaven via flying saucer. I still wasn't sure what to make of that part.

Jack asked if I wanted to go back to his place to smoke a bowl, and I definitely wasn't turning that down. He was staying in an old brick building that gave no indication it was zoned residential. He warned me you could get locked in the downstairs entryway if you didn't have a key, which I was sure violated city codes. He had staked out the entire second level as his "loft", and the rest of the building appeared unoccupied. The place had a concrete floor and wide concrete pillars holding up a ceiling striped with industrial fluorescent lights. There was a bathroom without a door, some basic furniture, and a bed in a corner that had been walled off with sheets, but not much else. Jack nonetheless insisted everything was legit.

"The guy who owns the building thinks he owes Dad a favor," Jack explained.

"Thinks?" I asked.

"Nobody owes Dad anything," Jack said. "He just enjoys doing nice things for people."

I couldn't squeeze much more information about his family out of him, though his commitment to the bit was admirable.

"All I can say is that Dad busts up hells when the devils get out of line," he said. "It's all very top secret, even I'm not sure how he does it. But he gets himself killed, like, all the time."

It's not that Jack was super religious. He didn't seem like he went to church or anything. We ended up spending the rest of that afternoon mostly talking about music. It turned out we were both way into Nine Inch Nails. I didn't want to come on too strong, but before I left, I wrote down my phone number and left it on the tv tray, his only table.

The next day, I went back to that spot by the lake, but Jack was nowhere to be found. I thought about swinging by his place, but that seemed like it would give off serious stalker vibes. Luckily, I found him by the lake again the day after that.

We hung out a lot over the next few weeks. I'd catch him chilling by the lake, and we'd walk down to the Loop, vaping as we went. He'd buy us something to eat. He always paid in cash, and he seemed to have plenty of it. I just assumed his dad was actually in the mafia or something.

He'd occasionally tell me about places "outside the globe," which is what he called the flat earth that extended beyond the distortion field that made everyone believe the earth was round. I cracked a joke once about falling off the edge, but he explained that as far as he knew, the world just went on forever.

"There's more of it than I've ever been to, that's for sure," he said.

He told me about lizard people who lived underground and countries populated entirely by robots. There were angels with pointy ears, communist goblins and cowboys that rode on mammoths. It sounded like a pastiche of tropes from someone trying to fit all his favorite stories into a single narrative continuity, but it was entertaining, so I indulged him.

I asked him if he could perform miracles.

"No such thing," Jack said. "It's all just tech. If somebody can do it, it means somebody knows how to do it."

If he had any tech you couldn't order online, though, I wasn't seeing it. I didn't even think he had a phone until one day I got a call from an unrecognized number. I was glad I answered.

"John! Want to go to a party outside the globe this weekend?"

I decided it was time to find out if any of this was real or not.

"Cool, yeah, that sounds like fun," I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Great, I'll pick you up in an hour."

"Dude, it's Thursday morning!"

"Yeah, it takes a couple days to get to Atlantis," he said. "Mostly driving through Canada. Just grab a few things to wear, and I'll take care of the rest." He hung up before I could say anything else.

I had a bunch of time off saved up, and I doubted anyone would miss me at work. I jumped online to let my boss know I'd be away, grabbed a quick shower, threw some clothes in a backpack and was outside waiting when he rolled up in a rusty blue van.

After driving for a few hours, we were at a gas station in rural Wisconsin when he said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He opened the glove compartment and pulled out a baggy with two round white wafers in it.

"Is that...communion?" I asked.

"Naw, man, it's drugs," he said. "Nothing you've ever heard of. It can take a day or two to kick in, but then, boosh!" He made an exploding motion with his hands around his head.

"I think I'll just stick with weed," I said.

"Suit yourself," he said, popping a wafer into his mouth and putting the baggy back. I sat there conflicted for a minute, then before I could change my mind, I grabbed the baggy myself and ate the other wafer.

It tasted like communion.

We passed a joint back and forth as he drove, and eventually I nodded off for awhile. When I woke up, it was dark out and we were pulling into a motel parking lot.

"Where are we?" I asked groggily.

"Somewhere in Manitoba," he said. I realized we must have crossed the border at some point, though I didn't recall anyone stopping us, and I hadn't even thought to bring my passport. Too late now. I decided not to worry about it.

Jack ran into the front office while I waited in the van, then he came back and handed me a copy of the room key. We were apparently sharing. We grabbed our bags and headed into our room.

"There's only one bed," I said.

"No worries, I trust you," he said, dropping his bag on a chair and turning on the last standard definition television in North America.

Yeah, but do I trust me, I thought.

"Uh, do you have to use the bathroom?" I asked. "I'm going to take a quick shower."

"Go for it," he said.

I took care of myself in the shower and was feeling a lot calmer when I got out. Jack was already passed out and snoring. I couldn't remember the last time I had actually slept with someone. I laid awake in bed for awhile, butterflies fluttering inside me. I wasn't horny anymore, but I was starting to really like this guy, as crazy as he was. I tried to just relax and enjoy being close without touching. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up in the morning, the room was empty, and I started to panic. What the hell was I doing in some godforsaken corner of Canada with a probably mentally disturbed man that I barely knew? But then Jack came through the door bearing convenience store donuts and coffee, and I felt better with calories and caffeine in me.

Soon we were on the road again. We stopped for gas one more time, loaded up on snacks, and Jack also filled up several gas cans he had stashed in the back of the van. Jack was staying sober enough to drive, but I kept puffing away at a weed vape, watching the unending parade of evergreens pass me by. The road was no longer paved, and the landscape slowly became more desolate, until it was just rocks interspersed with low scraggly brush as far as the eye could see.

The sun reflected off the pristine mirror of the occasional pond, and as the day wore on, I realized it should have set by now. It occurred to me that I had never seen such obvious evidence that the earth was round as summertime in the far north, but I kept this thought to myself. The barren landscape lulled me in and out of sleep.

I could tell we had stopped before I opened my eyes. It was dark again, and I could hear the hollow sound of the wind whipping past outside. The van was still running, and the headlights cast beams out across unmarked dirt into a featureless void.

"Are we stopping for the night?" I asked, turning to look at Jack. His chin was slumped down into his chest, and he wasn't moving. He didn't even seem to be breathing.

"Jack? Jack! JACK!" I shouted, shaking him with increasing desperation.

A candle flame sprang into existence a few inches above Jack's head.

"JESUS CHRIST!" I yelled, jumping back and pressing myself against the passenger door. I stared wide-eyed as the fire flickered midair above him without any apparent source. I shouted every swear word I knew.

The flame disappeared. Jack's eyes shot open, and he took a huge breath. I stayed frozen in shock, nearly hyperventilating. He looked at me and smiled.

"Hey dude," he said.

"What the FUCK, dude?" I yelled.

"Sorry about that," he said, "I was just reconnecting to the Network. It's been awhile. You can get a connection inside the globe, but it's, like, dialup speeds."

He grabbed his bag, pulled out a flashlight and turned it on.

"C'mon, dude, I ordered us an Over," he said, turning off the van. He jumped out before I could say anything.

I remained unmoving for a moment and tried to think fast. I wanted much more of an explanation for what just happened before I went anywhere else, but I wasn't about to let Jack out of my sight. I grabbed my bag and scrambled out to join him in front of the van. He was pointing the flashlight at the sky and waving it around.

"What's an Over?" I asked.

"A ride," he said, rolling his eyes. "See, here it comes!"

A soft glow spread in the clouds above us. There was a low, throbbing hum that got louder. Then the clouds parted, and a goddamned flying saucer appeared.

"Holy shit," I muttered. "It's real."

"Of course it's real," Jack shouted over the din. "You thought I was making this up?"

The ship wasn't much larger than a truck. It was exactly the saucer shape you'd expect, ripped right out of an old Hollywood serial, with bright flood lights around the rim pointing down. Four landing legs sprouted out of the bottom, and it bobbled as it touched the ground. The hum subsided.

It looked to be made of big sheets of polished metal held together with large bolts, and it had a tinted dome in the center that tilted open to reveal the cockpit. The driver looked vaguely Middle Eastern. He had curly black hair and a thick curly beard, and he was dressed in layers of canvas and flannel. He shouted at us in a foreign language. Hebrew, maybe?

"Yeah, that's us!" Jack shouted back. "C'mon," he said to me.

A small gangplank extended down. Jack climbed up into the ship, and I tripped my way up after him. We sat on a bench upholstered in vinyl-covered foam, like you'd see on a restaurant booth. The driver sat in front of us on a swivel chair, with a control panel covered in flashing buttons and levers splayed out around him. He continued talking to Jack in that foreign language.

"Pan's Grove," Jack said. The driver asked something else.

"Just head east after you cross the Styx, it'll be on your left," Jack replied.

The driver muttered to himself and poked at his controls. The dome lowered back down, and the ship began to hum again.

"Here we go!" Jack said to me. "Isn't it exciting, dude? Your first saucer ride!"

I was speechless. The ship began to rise, and we were quickly enveloped in clouds.

It was not a smooth ride. The entire ship vibrated and knocked us around like a car on a road made of nothing but speed bumps. The noise was deafening. I watched in horror as one of the metal panels on the side of the ship flapped up and down in the wind before flying off completely. The driver shouted what I had to assume was a curse, then yelled something at Jack.

"He says not to worry, that part wasn't important," Jack shouted at me.

I was not reassured.

This went on for what seemed like an eternity but was probably just a few minutes. I did my best to keep my guts inside my body. Then suddenly the ship stopped shaking completely, and we passed out of the clouds.

The sight was breathtaking. Below us stretched highways of light, winding together in a web that grew denser in the distance until it melded into a shining ring that lined the horizon. As that ring faded upwards, it became the stars of the sky.

"Welcome to Atlantis!" Jack said.

We cruised at that altitude for about an hour. I didn't say much, I just stared out the dome and tried to take it all in. This was actually happening. I was in a flying saucer, looking out at a flat world stretching to literal infinity. I didn't even think to puff my vape.

The descent was as rough as the ascent, but this time I was prepared and held on tight, determined to keep my cool. I thought I was doing ok. But as we approached a winding ribbon of light I had assumed to be a road, I learned the ribbon was itself a web of light that quickly expanded to the horizon. I clenched my eyes shut from the vertigo. I did not want to know how many levels this fractal had.

I didn't open my eyes again until we were safely back on the ground. I wobbled a bit as I exited. The saucer rattled as it lifted off and left a cloud of exhaust that smelled of brimstone in its wake.

Jack and I were alone on a beach. The waves shimmered incandescent aquamarine as they lapped against the shore. Beyond the beach was a forest, and there was an eerie emerald glow low in the inland sky that gave just enough light to barely see our surroundings.

"We've got a bit of a walk to get there," Jack said, "but first..."

He stood directly in front of me. I could feel his breath.

"I need you to kneel," he said with a smirk.

I gasped, and my whole body tingled. I got down on my knees, eye level with his belt buckle. He placed his hands on my head. Oh my god, was he really going to...? This was so fucking romantic.

He began to pray.

It was the same language the Over driver spoke. Now that I heard more of it, I didn't think it was actually Hebrew, but it sounded very old. I didn't care. I just kept staring at what was right in front of me for as long as I could get away with it. And then...

HOSANNA!

HOSANNA IN EXCELSIS!

DEUS! DEUS!

Choirs of angels sang. My body was racked with joy.

IN NOMINE PATRIS!

ET FILII!

ET FELII FELII!

My eyes filled with tears. I laughed and I sobbed.

ET SPIRITUS SANCTI!

I saw Creation, and saw that it was Good.

SANCTUS SPIRITUS!

SANCTUS SPIRITUS!

I saw the very Heart of Existence, and it was Love.

HOSANNA SPIRITUI SANCTO!

I saw the flicker of firelight playing across Jack's crotch.

DEUS! DEUS!

TESS! TING!

TESTING!

"Testing, one two three, testing," Jack said as the ecstasy faded. "Can you hear me? Does this make sense to you?"

It was Jack's voice, but when I looked up at him, his lips did not match the English words. I could still hear him speaking the ancient language, but it was muffled, like hearing it through a wall.

"Testing...testing...do you understand what I am saying?" Jack intoned.

I fell backwards into the sand.

"Yes," I said, panting. "Yes, I understand you. My God! What was that?"

"Universal translator," he said, offering a hand and helping me to my feet. "And some basic anti-virus software. Not the greatest, but it'd take too long to download better. It'll do for tonight." He turned his flashlight on and pointed it at the woods. "Shall we?"

I followed him away from the shore. The sand gave way to a path constructed from some sort of rubber. Up ahead, the path disappeared into a tunnel of trees. We walked along for awhile in darkness, with only the flashlight to show us the way. I was still reeling from my mystical experience, but I regained my bearings as we went.

Here and there through the trees I could see green pillars of light. As we got closer, I saw they were ropes of bioluminescent moss draping down from the canopy above us. The moss grew thicker on either side as we went along, until the entire forest was bright enough that the flashlight became unnecessary. I realized this was the glow I had seen from the shore.

A deep thumping echoed in the distance. Was that...techno music? The path had been leading us up a gentle slope, and as we came to the crest, the music reached full volume and the party revealed itself in the hollow below.

The clearing was lit by whirling multicolored spotlights and torches that burned blue. The mossy trees glittered with fireflies. There had to be hundreds of revelers dancing around campfires and laughing jovially as they chugged from pewter mugs. At the far end of the clearing was an amphitheater with dozens of musicians on stage pounding on drums, puffing into pipes and flutes, and strumming and plucking every kind of stringed instrument you could imagine. The throbbing, repetitive music did indeed sound like a dance club, but it was entirely acoustic.

I followed Jack through the crowd. Tables overflowed with food: roast pigs and fish that still had their heads, bowls of nuts and chips, entire benches of charcuterie, tapas and dim sum, cakes and sweets and even a chocolate fountain. Many of the partygoers looked completely human, wearing mostly togas or loincloths made of everything from muslin to gold lamé to the barest chiffon. Some folks wore nothing at all. There were clowns and harlequins and a rather frightening drag queen with black and white makeup, an enormous blood-red ball gown and nails that could do serious damage. There was also a lizard person, more than one robot, elves, demons and even a cowboy. I wondered if the cowboy rode a mammoth.

"Jack, you made it!" bellowed a voice above the crowd, and a satyr trotted over to us.

"Pan, you old goat!" Jack laughed. They grabbed each other's shoulders in greeting.

Two small horns stuck out from Pan's head. He had bushy eyebrows and a well-oiled pointy goatee. He was naked, with a magnificently cut torso. He of course had the fur-covered legs of a goat, but other parts were clearly obtained from a horse.

"And who is this?" Pan asked, turning to me.

"I'm...John," I said, capitulating to the name Jack kept calling me. I'd never found the right time to correct him, and I figured it would at least avoid unnecessary confusion. I offered my hand for a shake.

Instead, Pan bowed, or at least that's what I thought he was doing. But then, starting at my groin and rising to my chest, he gave me a deep sniff.

"Oh, Jack, you didn't tell me you were bringing a virgin!"

"I'm not—" I protested.

"He means you've never died before," Jack explained.

Pan leaned over and quickly sniffed my neck.

"He's also never bedded a woman, from the smell of things," Pan said.

I blushed as they laughed.

"Well John, maybe you'll meet the right girl tonight," Pan said, patting my cheek with a hairy palm, "but there's plenty of boys if you don't. I think you'll like it here! You might even be a good fit to join us permanently when you—"

Jack put his arm possessively around me. His voice grew even deeper than usual, and for a moment, his eyes seemed to cast a white light of their own.

"THIS ONE IS MINE, PAN."

"Of course, of course!" Pan said, raising his hands and backing away. "Just my standard pitch, can't blame a goat for trying." He grabbed two mugs off a tray carried by a passing nymph and handed them over. "Finest ambrosia, fresh from Olympus. Please, be welcome! Drink! Eat! Fuck and be merry!"

Pan pranced off into the crowd. I looked into the mug. The liquid was carbonated and the neon yellow color of Mountain Dew, but when I gave it a sip, it tasted like honey and beer. It was wonderfully delicious, and I felt the flush of alcohol almost immediately. I honestly was not usually much of a drinker.

Jack and I found a place to stash our bags and wandered through the carnival.

"Most everyone here is a daemon," Jack explained. "They're each psychically networked with thousands of individual worshippers. Daemons are sort of like influencers, they collect and control their worshippers. But they're also products of their worshippers, created and driven by a collective consciousness, with little will of their own."

"That's pretty cool, actually. Are...are you a daemon?" I asked.

"Nope," he said. "I'm just me!"

We partied for hours, and Jack introduced me to all sorts of creatures. I ate things. I drank things. I smoked things. I had no idea which drug caused which effect, but every one of my senses were ecstatic. Eventually we made our way to the amphitheater.

There was a giant bonfire in front of the stage with a mass of writhing bodies around it. The dancing mingled seamlessly with all sorts of sexual acts. There was a young girl on a raised platform, nude but for a wreath of flowers in her hair, gyrating against a maypole like a stripper. An aroused minotaur began flogging her, drawing blood. I winced. Pan sat on an elevated throne behind the musicians, watching it all and going at himself with both hands. I was starting to get disturbed by how turned on the grotesque spectacle was making me when Pan stood and clapped, his dick bouncing, and the music stopped.

"Alright everybody!" he announced, "I think it's time for the Cave!"

Everyone cheered. The amphitheater shell parted to reveal a rocky opening in the hillside, smoke billowing from within. The flogged girl fell backwards and landed in the arms of the crowd. With wails of pleasure and pain, she was carried into the mouth of the Cave as everyone else followed.

By this point, I was very horny, but Jack grabbed my shoulder to hold me back. "You really don't want to," he said.

"What, is it Satanic or something?" I asked.

"Oh, goodness, no," he said, "just very Greek. But that's bad enough. C'mon, I want to show you something." He grabbed my hand and pulled me away.

He dragged me into the trees and through some fairly thick brush until we came to a nearly vertical wall of rock. There was a golden escalator running up the side of the cliff. We got on.

"You enjoying yourself so far?" Jack asked.

"Yeah! Jesus—I mean, this is amazing!" I said.

"Hey now, Dad ain't bringing anyone to a party like this," Jack said, feigning a stern tone. "You just remember who to thank, ok?"

"No, I mean...thank you. Thank you! Sincerely, this is fantastic."

"Not a problem," Jack said, grinning. "It's good to have the company!"

We reached the top. We were at some kind of lookout point. It was mostly deserted, though a couple of angels were leaning against the railing and gossiping quietly, drinks in hand. Wide-eyed, I walked to the edge and looked out.

The luminous treetops stretched out before us, not just green but every color of the rainbow, creating the illusion of twilight across the landscape. Towering above them was an enormous snow-capped mountain.

"Mount Olympus!" Jack declared.

"Like, the real one?" I asked.

"One of them," he explained. "Atlantis is littered with them, honestly. Gods do like their perches."

"Gods?" I asked. "What about your Grandpa?"

"Small g," Jack clarified. "Daemons of daemons, like Pan. They're the landlords of the afterlife, the ones who haggle over who gets each soul. You could call them idols, I guess, but best call them gods to their faces, they're pretty haughty. It's a quirk of the translation software that you're hearing Greek names for everything, it can only work with the idioms you know. So the name of every mountain of the gods will sound like Olympus to you. The name of every goat-legged idol of pastoral revelry will be Pan. It takes a long time somewhere to start hearing local names."

"Oh," I said, thinking about it. "Are there lots of Jesuses?"

"Nope," he said. "Just one God. Just one Jesus. And just one Jack."

"Cool," I said. For some reason, I didn't want there to be more of him.

We stood quietly for a minute or two.

"I really do love this view," Jack said, gazing at the mountain.

But I was gazing at him.

He turned to me, about to say something, but saw the look on my face. He clamped his mouth shut in a smile, nodded, and looked back at the mountain.

"We should head back down," he said. "Ritual sacrifice doesn't take that long, really, and you still need to get laid!"

"Oh," I said. I couldn't help looking disappointed. "Is that what you're going to go do?"

"Naw man, I've told you before, that's really not my thing."

"Like, at all?" I asked. "I just thought you were straight!"

He ignored my comment and said, "You're perfectly safe here, no one's gonna mess with a friend of mine. Go, mingle, find someone or something to have fun with and have fun! I'll catch up with you later!"

Before I could stop him, he jogged away and with a leap, parkoured down the up escalator. I definitely couldn't follow him that way.

The angels were a bit snobbish, but they were able to direct me to the escalator down. By the time I got to the bottom, everyone was back from the Cave, and the party was wilder than ever. I didn't see Jack anywhere, but the place was large enough that I wasn't too worried.

I wasn't usually one for uppers, but who knew what drugs I was on at that point. I must have partied for a couple days at least, though the sun never rose. I had a great conversation with a fairy (about three inches tall, wings) who listed out all the drugs that were getting passed around, and I told her about the wafer Jack had given me on the ride there.

"Oh man, he gave you Corpus?" she squeaked. "That shit's for real. We all gotta look so weird to you right now, huh?"

I did get laid a few times, including a threesome with a midget and a really nice ogre named Ted. But I also danced, and I got to drum for awhile, and I ate the best food I've ever eaten and drank way too much ambrosia. And then there was puking, just so much puking, like I was ejecting everything bad I had ever put into my body and then some. And the vomit-covered grass seemed so soft and comfortable, I told myself it really wouldn't hurt if I curled up and took a little nap.

I woke up in the van.

A billboard read "Real Wisconsin Cheddar, Next Exit!"

"Hey, you're awake!" Jack said cheerfully from the driver's seat, keeping one eye on the road. "Great party, huh?"

"Oh my god, water," I groaned, reaching for the bottle in my bag. "What happened? I don't really remember..."

"Yeah, you were pretty gone there at the end," Jack said. "Ted had to carry you back to the saucer. You were talking a little bit when we got back to the van, but I think you were still blacked out."

"Vape..." I said, feeling around for some precious nicotine. My hand landed on an empty baggy, which I picked up and stared at.

"Here you go," Jack said, handing me my vape pen. "Just take things slow, your body has been through a lot." I sucked the vape until I'd taken the edge off, then slept the rest of the way home.

He dropped me off at my front door. I stumbled up the stairs to my apartment, and only then realized I didn't have my keys.

"Well, fuck," I mumbled. Seeing no other choice, I headed back out and began walking to Jack's place. I hoped my keys were in his van, and not on a table in Atlantis somewhere.

I thought about that as I walked. Had I really been there? Did that place really exist? Were Jack's stories more than just bullshit? I had done lots of hallucinogens during the years, and I was fairly well-versed in the ways reality can go wonky when you're tripping, but it had never been anywhere near as wild as what I had just experienced.

I entered the vestibule of Jack's building and pressed the old-timey buzzer. I waited a bit, and then pressed it again. Then I really leaned into it and buzzed for a solid minute, resting my forehead on the doorframe and trying to figure out what I was going to do next. I wasn't even sure if Jack had gone directly home, he could've been anywhere at that moment. But wait...

Excitedly, I collapsed to the floor and sat with my back to the wall, pulling out my phone. All questions about the reality of Atlantis disappeared from my mind, replaced by a single notion that made me giddy. I scrolled to my call history, pressed Add Contact, started typing, paused to think a moment, finished typing and hit save.

New Contact: Jack (Christ?)

I'd finally gotten his phone number!!!

I pressed the button to call him, but of course there was no signal in that crappy old factory building. I dragged myself to my feet and pushed on the exit door. It did not open.

Well...fuck.

---

Next: Coffee with Jesus' Son

Doing Drugs with Jesus’ Son is always free.