Getting Drunk with Jesus' Son
I believed in Jack, the Son of the Son of God.
It's not like I could really doubt him anymore. Jack had literally blessed me with the ability to understand any foreign language, which was proof enough for whatever lingering skepticism I had about his divinity. At first I thought the universal translator was pretty cool, but I soon realized it wasn't worth much if I couldn't also speak foreign languages. Mostly it just meant I had to pretend not to understand when the clerks at the corner store cracked jokes about the pussy white boy.
But I hadn't heard from Jack in months. The first several weeks after I last saw him, I held out hope that I hadn't completely blown things with him. He said he would be gone for "a few weeks." I tried to pretend I wasn't counting the days, but I was. After a month and a half, I had a really good cry and decided to move on.
All thoughts of moving on vanished immediately when I saw Jack's name on the caller id.
"Jack! Oh my god, hello!" I answered.
"John!" he exclaimed. "How's it going today?"
He asked like he had only been gone for the weekend.
"Hey, listen," he said, "I've got a buddy I want you to meet, really cool guy. We're heading out to a club in the suburbs tonight. Wanna join us?"
Of course I did. I couldn't get there fast enough. Soon I was standing outside the old factory where Jack was squatting, texting him to come let me in.
"Be right down," he texted back.
It seemed to take forever before he actually opened the door, and when he did, all I wanted to do was give him a big hug.
"Hey dude," I said casually, giving him a small wave.
When we got up the stairs, I could hear the shower running.
"Jayjay will be out in a minute," Jack said. "Smoke a bowl while we wait?"
Jack only had a small tv tray for a table and one chair, so he sat there cleaning the weed while I stayed standing. There was no door on the bathroom, so I tried to stand where it would be obvious I wasn't attempting to peep.
"Did you meet this guy on your trip?" I asked.
"Oh, no, Jayjay and I go way back," Jack said. "Grew up together. Just, don't ask him about his dad, ok? It's a bit of a sore subject."
"Who's his dad?" I asked.
"You've heard of Judas, right?"
At that moment, the shower shut off.
"I'll explain later," Jack said.
"HEY JACK!" bellowed a voice from the bathroom. "Got a towel?"
Standing in the bathroom doorway, completely naked and dripping wet, was a muscle god.
He was a few inches shorter than me, but he could clearly break me in half if he wanted to. He had medium-length blond hair that was buzzed on the sides. Besides that, he was clean shaven, and I mean completely clean shaven. And between his legs swung a goddamned baseball bat.
"Oh, hey, you must be John!" he said, striding over and nearly taking off my arm with his handshake. "I'm Jayjay. Good to finally meet you!"
"Good to meet you, too," I said, trying not to wince.
"Jack told me all about you! 'Jayjay,' he said, 'there's this dude back in Chicago that parties like the best of us.' So I said, I gotta meet this bro, and Florida was getting kinda lame anyway, so we—eyes up here, bruh—we jumped into his broke-ass van and here we are!"
I had to be blushing beet red as Jack grabbed a towel from behind his bed and chucked it at Jayjay.
"This one should be clean enough," Jack said.
Jayjay gave it a sniff, and seemed to accept this.
"Cool beans," he said, striding back to the bathroom. "I'll be out in two shakes!"
The view from behind was as good as the front.
"So...that's Jayjay!" Jack said.
"He seems, uh, nice," I said. Jack just laughed and shook his head.
A few minutes later, Jayjay was back out of the bathroom. His hair was slicked back, and he was wearing tight jeans and an even tighter black polo shirt.
"You're coming with us tonight?" he asked me.
"Uh, yeah, I think so," I said hesitantly, looking to Jack.
Jayjay turned to Jack as well.
"I thought they didn't allow virgins in Nirvana?"
He wasn't referring to my sexual experience, but rather to the fact that I'd never yet died and been resurrected.
Jack shrugged. "It's mostly the reborn, but they'll let him in if he's with us."
This made me nervous.
"I was thinking," Jayjay said. "If we pull up to the club in your gross van, the ladies are gonna go dry as the Sahara. Let's stop at a dealership on the way and I'll get us a proper ride."
"So long as you're buying," Jack said.
We headed out to Jack's van.
"Shotgun!!!" Jayjay shouted, pushing past me to grab the front passenger door handle. I clambered onto the dirty bench seat in the back.
Now, I'd never known much about cars. I'd never even gotten my driver's license. I failed the driving test in high school, and I was always too stoned and/or embarrassed to try again later. But I guess Maserati was a good brand? You could practically see the dollar signs in the dealer's eyes when Jayjay said he was paying in cash. By sunset, I found myself squeezed into the back seat of the new car, worried my very existence was going to ruin the upholstery.
Jayjay took us to a really ritzy restaurant for dinner, the kind of place where they charge you twenty dollars for a plate with two ravioli and expect you to order lots of different things. Jayjay did most of the talking, telling us where we could find the easiest women in Florida. Jack smiled and nodded. I tried my best to follow along, but in the back of my mind was the perennial question from algebra class, when am I ever going to use this?
"See, Jack, this is how you should be living," Jayjay said, waving to indicate our fancy surroundings. "Even Spartans live posher than you these days! What's with the vow of poverty?"
"It's not a vow," Jack said bashfully, "I just don't like banking off of Dad's name."
"I've told you before," Jayjay said, "just drop a couple denarii in a savings account and wait a hundred years. Tell him, John!"
I shrugged.
"If I had a famous dad, I'd be living it up like Jayjay for sure!"
Jayjay dropped his fork and put his fists on the table, looking like he was about to deck me.
"Bruh, NOT COOL!"
Jack mouthed the words backup tape.
"Ohmygod I'm sorry!" I stammered. "That's not what I— I mean, I wasn't thinking—"
Jayjay laughed and slapped me on the shoulder. Hard.
"I'm just fucking with you bro!"
We finished dinner and made our way to the club. It was in a large strip mall in the northwest burbs, and it looked pretty nondescript from the outside. If it weren't for the line of people waiting to get in, you wouldn't think it was anything special. Glowing pink letters above the entrance spelled out Club Nirvana.
"Get it, bro? Get it?" Jayjay asked me. "Nirvana! Like the Buddhist thing! Because it's for reincarnated people!"
"Yeah, I get it," I said.
"Hey, sweet, there's still parking," Jayjay said.
He pumped up the volume on the sound system so that the bass made the windows shake, then whipped the car into the only empty spot up close. He unfolded a handicapped placard from his pocket and hung it on the rearview mirror.
"Alright bros," Jayjay announced, "let's find somewhere to dip our sticks!"
We skipped the line and went straight to the velvet rope. The bouncer had to be well over seven feet tall and was wearing a t-shirt that said Brute Squad. He unhooked the rope as we approached, but then put an enormous hand on my chest to stop me.
"It's cool, he's with us," Jack said.
"Oh, ok," the giant boomed in a friendly voice that made Jack's voice sound prepubescent.
"Is that who I think it was?" I asked Jack as we went inside.
"Probably," Jack responded.
Compared to a bacchanal with real satyrs, the place was tame, but it was still pretty lit. There was a crowded dance floor in the middle, and a DJ stand on the far wall under a banner that said DJ MOZ. Above it all was a wrap-around balcony lined with crescent-shaped booths that let everyone face the action.
We went up the stairs and through a couple more velvet ropes. Jack smiled and waved at a group of people in one of the booths, and we headed over to them.
"John," Jack said, introducing me, "I'd like you to meet Tommy, and Jean-Paul, and Eve."
I waved at the two dudes, but Eve reached out and shook my hand.
"Not the one you're thinking of," she said.
Jack slid into the booth next to her, and Jayjay followed, leaving me on the end.
"What are you drinking?" Jayjay shouted over the music. I always hated this question. I almost never drank.
"Uh...do they have caucasians?" I asked.
Jayjay flagged down a passing waitress.
"Two whiskies, neat, and a white russian for the lady!"
I frowned.
"Just fucking with you, bro!"
The waitress brought our drinks, and a platter of curry wings that were really, really good. I sat quietly munching while the others talked, and probably ate more than my share. Eve, Tommy and Jean-Paul seemed to be discussing religion and philosophy, though I couldn't quite hear the details over the music. Jack and Jayjay must have been able to hear, though. At one point, Jack shouted over to them, "It's other people!" and they all had a good laugh.
The music volume lowered only slightly, and the DJ started speaking into his microphone.
"Gooooooood evening ladies and gentlemen!" he said. "We've got a full house here at Club Nirvana tonight. Always fantastic to see so many reborn in one place! Who's ready to meet tonight's VIPs?"
The crowd let out a drunken cheer.
"First up, a master artist, we've all seen his work! Friends, countrymen, lend him your ear—seriously, can anyone spare an ear—it's Vincent Van Gogh!!!"
A spotlight hit a booth across from us. A skinny redheaded guy wearing a sequined disco jumpsuit and star-shaped glasses stood and waved.
"Next up, I know you've all been wondering where he's been, long time no see—it's Jimmy Hoffa!!!"
The spotlight hit an older white guy who tipped his fedora in appreciation.
"Our next little lady is trying out a different look this time around, but if you ask me, she's as adorable as ever. Let's all give a warm welcome to Shirley Temple!"
A large, hairy bear of a man in black leather curtseyed for the crowd.
"And finally, a stand-out dude even in a booth packed with history's greatest, call him holy, call him blessed, just don't call dibs on his bong, the one, the only, Jack!!!"
The spotlight hit us and the crowd went wild.
"Wooooooo!" Jack shouted, pumping his fists in the air as everyone else in the booth smiled and waved. As for me, the spotlight was really only hitting my arms and legs.
I leaned back.
"And is that Jayjay up there with him?" the DJ asked. "Brother, this one's for you!"
Lady Gaga started playing.
JU-DAS! JU-DA-AH-AH!
JU-DAS! JU-DA-AH-AH!
"Bro, it's my song!" shouted Jayjay. "C'mon bro, I need a wingman!"
He shooed me out of the way. I stood up, and he dragged Jack to the dance floor.
The other guys left the booth as well, leaving me alone with Eve. I sat back down and scooted over just close enough to talk.
"Tough to compete with two thousand years, huh?" she asked.
"No kidding," I said.
"It's ok," she said. "Jack likes you. I can tell."
"What makes you say that?" I asked.
"He wouldn't have brought you here if he didn't," she said.
I'm just a holy fool, oh baby it's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby...
A waitress came by and took my empty glass. "You want another?"
"How about a whiskey?" I said. "Uh...neat?"
"Can do, stud."
I wasn't feeling like talking about myself at that moment.
"So, not that Eve, huh?" I asked my companion.
"Nope," she said.
"Anyone I've heard of?"
"I was a pope, actually."
"Oh," I said, surprised, "I didn't know they let women be pope. No offense."
"None taken," she replied, "And they don't. I was a man that time around."
"Hunh," I said, thinking. "I hadn't even realized that was a possibility until tonight."
"It's different for everyone, every time," she explained. "You might be reborn from scratch in a whole new body without any memory of your previous life. You might show up in heaven at the peak of your youth and health. You might even respawn right where you died with a body identical to the one you had before. There are as many ways to be resurrected as there are ways to die."
It sounded complicated. But then, the world was a really big place filled with all sorts of possibilities. Infinite, even.
"So, which pope were you?" I asked.
"I was a John, actually," Eve said. "Just like you."
"Oh, uh, that's not my real name."
"It wasn't mine, either."
I was beginning to like her.
"Do anything worthwhile?" I asked.
"Ever hear of Vatican II?" she asked back.
"Heard of it."
"That was me."
"It's weird," I said, "I didn't think Jack liked hanging with church folks. Definitely wouldn't have expected a pope!"
"Depends on the pope, I guess," she laughed.
We sat and listened to the music for awhile.
"You don't have to stay here just for me," I said.
"I don't mind," she said. "It's good to have the company!"
For a moment I thought I might cry. Jack had said that to me at the last party we went to. Eve must have seen she touched a nerve, because she placed her hand gently over my own.
"Give it time, hon," she said. "Love takes patience to grow."
"Oh, um, I don't really think... Jack said he's not into that..."
"Not into love?" Eve asked, letting the question hang in the air.
We didn't say much after that, but Eve was right. It was good to have the company. I finished drinking my whiskey. It was gross. I ordered another.
I lost track of the songs, and the whiskey. Finally, Jack and Jayjay returned to the booth. Jayjay had two girls under one arm, and one girl and a glass in the other.
"Hey guys!" Jayjay said, lifting the glass to point them out in turn. "I want you to meet Mary of Schaumburg, Mary of Berwyn, aaaaaand Mary of Joliet. Ladies, I'd like you to meet Eve, and Mary of Lakeview. I'm just fucking with you bro!"
Jack stumbled into the booth next to Eve, the Marys followed, and Jayjay pushed in on the end. I was stuck with one cheek off the bench.
"You having fun?" Jack shouted at me, clearly drunk.
"Yeah!" I lied, giving him a thumbs up. He gave a wobbly thumbs up back.
"I need to go to the bathroom," I said, standing.
I ran into the bathroom and into a stall. I was crying, but I only sort of knew why.
"John, you in here?"
It was Jack. I sniffed and tried to quickly dry my eyes.
"Yeah, I'm taking a shit," I said.
"No you're not!" Jack laughingly slurred. I saw his shoes appear under the stall door and heard the thunk of him leaning against it.
"C'mon, dude, you need to come dance!" Jack whined, pounding on the door a couple times. "You need to come dance with me!"
"I'll be out in a few..."
"You bedder be!"
I saw the shoes walk away and heard the bathroom door open and shut.
Jack was waiting for me when I got out. He grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the dance floor.
"Here's one of my own, folks!" the DJ announced. "Gave it a beat, hope you enjoy!"
For a few moments, the club was filled with morose strings and the lament of a heavenly choir. Then the bass dropped, and the beat kicked in.
Jack danced like a white guy, which I guess relaxed me enough to also dance like a white guy. Jayjay was there with his Marys.
And we all danced.
I had to help Jayjay walk Jack to the car. Jack had an arm over each of us, but I'm sure Jayjay was doing most of the heavy lifting.
"It's good to have friends!" Jack announced to the crisp night air. "Because you're my friend," he said, looking at Jayjay. "And you're my friend," he said, rolling his head to look at me. "I knew you guys would be friends. We're all friends!"
"Bro, just don't puke in my new car," Jayjay said.
We managed to get Jack back to his place. I had to reach in his pockets to get his keys while Jayjay held him up. I did it as quickly and prudely as I could.
Jack collapsed into his bed and was immediately snoring.
"Hey, uh, I gotta go take a leak," I said, "but then can you let me out?"
"Yeah bro," Jayjay said, taking off Jack's shoes.
I went into the bathroom and stood in front of the toilet. I really had to pee, but nothing was happening. Fucking whiskey.
"Hey, don't bogart the john, John!"
Jayjay pushed right up next to me, shoulder to shoulder, whipped out his monster and let forth a torrent of piss. I just stood there staring.
"You'd think with all those Marys there, at least one of them would've been a hooker, am I right?" he said, shaking it off.
I didn't know what to say.
He kept slowly shaking.
"Like what you see?" Jayjay asked.
I still didn't say anything. But some body parts have a mind of their own, and the one in my hand betrayed me.
"Why don't you have a seat," Jayjay suggested.
So I did.
It was fun for a minute or two, but he was rough. It's not like he forced me or anything. I was very willing. But I was also drunk, and glad when he was done.
"Go ahead and finish yourself off, bro," he said, zipping up, "and I'll get the door for you downstairs. Don't tell Jack about this, ok?" He stumbled out of the bathroom without waiting for my response.
I didn't finish anything. I gave it a minute, then stood up, fastened my pants and exited the bathroom. We didn't really say anything as he let me out, and I started walking home.
There's an honest simplicity when guys hook up with guys. You both know exactly what you're in it for, and you're not expecting anything from each other. You can just dive in, have a lot of fun and feel relieved after.
But other times, it's more complicated than that.
And sometimes, you just feel dirty.
Next: Getting Clean with Jesus' Son
Doing Drugs with Jesus’ Son is always free.